It was close to midnight. John went to the pub to have fun. He went there with his friends. When he reached there, he wanted to dance. He became really high. There were many couples closely embracing each other. He danced very well. He danced to the beat of the music. His admirer went up to him and wanted to dance with him but suddenly he saw his ex-girlfriend. The three of them sat down and drank beer together. As time passed, his ex-girlfriend got drunk. They booked a room in a five-star hotel. At the lobby, he saw his mother with a man he did not know. His mother asked him, “What are you doing here?” He answered, “I just wanted to drop my ex-girlfriend in a room.” When they decided to go to the room, he saw his father with another woman. They thought that the woman was his father’s mistress but it turned out to be his secretary. They attended a business meeting so they were seen together. His father also asked him the same question as his mother. He ignored his father and went into the room. He slammed the door and brought a warm towel for his ex-girlfriend. His ex-girlfriend vomited on him when he was putting the towel on her. Suddenly, the door opened and he saw his admirer. She was covered in blood and it shocked him.
Points to Note (from Mr Chua): 1) Make use of what we have learnt today. Be careful not to start any sentences with conjunctions and be careful about how you use pronouns. 2) Take note of your tenses. Using the past tense is always the safest. 3) This story sounds very disjointed right? This is because in such a short passage, there are EIGHT characters (John, ex-girlfriend, admirer, John’s friends, John’s mother, the unidentified man, John’s father, the secretary). In addition, there are THREE settings (pub, lobby, room). Each point is not properly elaborated enough, therefore the feeling that it is a disjointed story. Take note of this when you are writing your essays. If there is something that you are writing for the sake of writing (meaning, the story still makes sense even if I take the paragraph out), I rather you not write it at all. You will just be wasting time and effort writing something that is not needed in the essay. 4) I like the sudden twist in the story (it was quite clever given the amount of time you were given to think about the continuation). Twists in the story make reading interesting, but be careful not to twist the story too much that it becomes unbelievable (e.g. a car suddenly transforming into an aeroplane – like… DUH.). 5) Finally, and most importantly, no writing about ghosts or objectionable material like sex and drugs.
Possible Ideas (on how to improve the story): 1) Expand more on the sights and sounds of the pub. Hadi’s sentence might sound a little sleazy, but I think that he was trying to describe what was happening in the pub and it was a good try! 2) You can try talking more about John’s parents. They both seem to be busy people so could it be because of their busy lifestyles that John frequents pubs instead of spending it with his family? 3) You can even turn this into a love story, about how John still loves his ex-girlfriend therefore taking good care of her and not caring about the admirer. 4) Why was the admirer covered in blood?
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